Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Shelby's LiveJournal:

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Monday, July 1st, 2002
1:12 pm	Night of a thousand shot glasses This Saturday was a life altering experience. I met this guy at the bar who totally opened my eyes about how life should be. The conversations weren't really too deep until he was telling me about his god daughter. He honestly loves that child like she's his own. I can't remember all the details of the nite, or even most of the major events (3 Ninjas, a sex on the beach, 4 purple hearts, a mattress, a long island iced tea & 2 shots of jager will do that to a girl) but I remember the times we were laying on some guy's parents' bed talking about how trust is & about love & about just being real. All of the people I met that nite were so fucking real, it was so amazing. I can't get over how great it felt to hear compliments when I know they were meant, or criticisms I know were true. Very refreshing. Anyways, I met a boy who changed me & that is rare. I hope I see him a lot more now. He was phenominal. I would tell ya some of the wonderful things he said, but it seems kinda special if I keep it private. Lately I have been hanging out w/ Wolverine Joe a ton. I adore him. He is just a nice guy. He's super funny too. He got an eclipse, so we are constantly driving & he does these bad ass turns & one time we rad up on the curb & knocked over a lil tree. It was so funny. I'm glad no one else saw, like say a cop. Well I am off to Will's house...goodbye (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 27th, 2002
9:47 am	Awww, poor pathetic people feel the need for retaliation Yes, it IS possible to get scores back the same day if you are one of the people who can PAY! But I guess you sheltered youths w/ your tired complaints will do anything to try to find a flaw w/ what I was saying because you were insulted. Honestly, I think you are terrible people & if the things I said were so untrue you never even would have thought twice about them. Your pathetic, not to say that my having our help do everything for me isn't, but as far as honesty goes, all of you are full of shit. YOu lie every fucking day to you friends. I may occasionally beat the hell out of someone or drink till I blackout or use a credit card to call pa psychic & run up a $2000 bill, but the truth of the matter is, I own up to who I am , it might not make me better, but in a sense, I am. YOu disgust me w/ you little white lies & pathetic hormonal dramas. You have no real concept of reality & dilute yourself daily w/ the SAME FUCKING THINGS!!! Get minds & opinions & experiences of your own. The only one of you w/ hae a brain besides dearest smart smart Catie is Taylor & that poor cat is wasting his life on Michelle, who by the way when he's not around her he talks as much shit about her, but maybe all that was to fit in w/ Catie & me...who knows. All of you are ripping at eachothers throats behind eachother's backs, bithcing about how Michelle doesn't really care about her friends cos she ditches them as soon as she finds a new fuck & about how Taylor will just make up shit to keep the conversation remotely entertaining. Oh wait I forgot to say my piece about Julia. She is the shit & everyone eshould love her cos she is an awesome person & that is all I have to say about you people. As much as you hate me, you should take my advice & get real w/ eachother.... Ok on to things that matter...my job at Ardent kicks so much ass, I get paid to do nothing. I literally sat in a swivel chair for 3 hours & made some coffee, mailed some shit & went home. It was amazing. Hopefully some people will be in to record saturday, but unfortunately I work during the day & most bands record at nite, so there's nothing to do. It won't really matter tho cos my trip to Colorado is in like a week or summin so I won't be in if anyone does record. Oh my god I can't wait to snowboard again. I think I am gonna hire a personal instructor so I can go on to more advanced crap, cos I hate having to stand around w/ the beginners when I already know how to do all that crap. GAYYY. My mom is getting the liver biopsy right now. I hope that is going well. I called aaron last nite. I can't seem to summon the nerve to tell him I am giving him all of his shit back. Such a seemingly simple task, but I feel like puking every time. I guess it means I would be admitting that the Aaron I knew really is gone forever. Tosh is coming to visit once I get back from snowboarding. I hate that I have to tell him I'm going to VA to see the Catie. I have been practicing for the jump on her stairs. I hope I dunt break my board. That would suck so bad. Good thing I dunt weigh that much, so I dunt break boards often. Brandon broke his brand fucking new one on a 6 set yesterday. I felt bad for him so I bought him a new one. Tomorrow Elliott gets in town. I missed him a lot. I wonder how it's gonna be, now that we don't really know eachother anymore. He's still hot tho. I wish we had gone out longer. Ack my parents are being all weird about me turning 18 soon. They want me to get married or something. It's so weird. I even went to look at wedding dresses a few days ago. Vera Wang had some really pretty ones, but I am going to have mine custom made.Ack well now I must go to the mall w/ James & buy things. Goodbye (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 23rd, 2002
11:56 am	The decline of the human race Ok, I would like to take this time to bitch about how pathetic some people are. Take Michelle Hoppen for instance...what kind of sad existence she must have considering her overwhelming lack of self-esteem. Not that she should have self-esteem. God knows if I were here I would have shot myself in the face years ago. Which reminds me, next time she wears those shorts (Catie, you know which ones) someone kill her & cut that damn cellulite off her fat ass so man can be free from this evil. This poor girl thinks that she is somehow smarter than me, well that day will never ever come. For this morning I retook my SAT's because I knew I could do better than a 1450, & my friends, I scored a 1590, 10 tiny little points from perfection. I would gladly give her $10,000 cash if her dumb ass could do the same. Another prime example of this descent from average intelligence would be Ashely. How sad do you have to be to try to be like someone else. If people actually think that imitation is the highest form of flattery, they never had some poor misguided girl dressing like them, telling people they liked this movie or that movie, try to skate when they don't. Damn all you sheep. You should all be slaughtered & eaten. Can't you just make up your own damn opinions. The world is full of billions of things to do, so stop fucking acting like you like shit you don't & pick out the ones you DO. Damn it's not hard. If it were I certainly would be one of the herd, cos my lazy ass definitely wouldn't wast time if it were hard. The other thing that really pisses me off is people who think that they are hot when they are really quite repulsive (ha here we are back to michelle..of & if anyone who knows her reads this, tell her to PLEASE stop blinking like that. WHYYYY would you force something so natural as blinking dammit) Anyhow I saw this really nasty chick when I was on my way to take the SAT's again & that chick was wearing these short ass shorts that were way too small & a damn bikini top. It's ok to be overweight & I understand some people can't help it, but you can at least have some class. sheesh. Well I have to go now. Goodbye everyone. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, June 22nd, 2002
7:30 pm	Another day & I've done nothing productive Aaah, as aweful as it sounds, I am glad my daddy is rcih, cos it's days like this when I wake up in that cozy bed to the smooth sounds of Afroman & eat a fabulous breakfast in bed consisting of fresh raspberries, croissants, fresh squeezed orange juice, & a shot of peach schnopps that I aprecciate life. I have failed to do anything even remotely productive...unless you count eating the entire contents of my Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia pint. I played 1/2 Life for hours & decided I can only kill someone so many times before the desire to play solitaire begins to consume your soul. I am bored w/ writing now, so I am going to play pinball. (Comment on this)
1:48 am	My Grand Re-entry to the Lovely Universe I like to Calll Home Okay, so I am back in memphis. I dint realize how rad it is here. I've had dozens of chances to go chill at the pool hall w/ some jager handy, I've gotten tons of employment opportunity, I've skated w/ the people who I grew up skating w/, Talked to my friend Jason who used to be pro till his lame ass decided his acting career took precedence. I have listened to every single song HIM ever recorded which is good times. Ville is so foxy. I finally got my damn cell phone...sheesh it took me long enough, a whole week dammit. My daddy said I could use one of his lawyers so that I can go to court to get a hardship license since my mummy is all doped up on her meds. So I am finally gonna drive w/out the damn paranoia. That was always really ghetto. I am prolly gonna go w/ my daddy tomorrow to pick out a car...of course I am gonna get a corvette! I haven't completely decided on black or silver tho. Alas. If I get my license soon enough, I am gonna drive to Catie's so we'll have a car the whole time & that would be rad. Last nite I had brought one of the guitars I keep at my mummy's over to my dad's to get it re-fretted & I lost it, so I am kinda bummed about that. I dunno how anyone can lose a guitar, but I did it people. Yes, I am that retarded. I still haven't gotten my pics of everyone in VA developed..unfortunately the film fell out of my purse in my mom's friend's car on the way to mummy's operations. I am getting it back soon tho. On friday I am going out to dinner w/ Elliott. I can't wait. It was so strange to hear from him again in the first place. I'm a lil freaked out, but definitely excited. The chef at the Danish restaurant that I am working at as a hostess prepared my favorite meal for me, 3 course, only lacking the wine. It was amazing. I miss everyone in VA a ton. It's kind of a bummer to think that right now I could be sitting in Catie's kitchen playing poker w/ Mikey now, but I'm not...I'm drinking a pina colada & writing in my live journal poolside near the waterfall...alone. *sigh* It's tragic that I wasn't there to help Mikey & Phil torture a poor helpless Veronica w/ a snake's carrion. Someday. Well I am going to go now so that I can finish reading my book & perhaps play a game or two of pool. Goodnite all. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, June 7th, 2002
1:30 pm	The 11th hour draws near Alas people, 1 week from today I will be dragging my shit to the vehicle in preparation for my departure to Memphis. I am not sure whether or not this will be a good thing. I have missed all of my people, but they've faded to me. I will miss the Catie the mostest of all things. It will be so sad to have to say our buh byes. I am gonna miss the Pat Pat & Veronica as well. Atleast I dunt have to watch em make out anymore. Hopefully we are gonna be able to go to King's Dominion w/ Mikey & Phil & Topher, but I dunno cos Catie got in troubles. I was talking to my mummy bout visitating this summer & she said I only have to be home for 1 month this summer & if I want, I can spend the rest w/ Catie. I doubt her parents would let me be there for 2 months or anything, but that would so kick ass. We would be too hyper for too long. Ugh, I tried to dye my hair blonde w/ that Loreal Open shit & it is so misleading!!!! It wasn't working at all, & so I called the 1-800 number & the lady said that it wasn't supposed to "dye" your hair, it was only supposed to brighted your natural color. Well then WHY THE FUCK did it say on the instructions that it was used to, & I quote, "change your hair color". Damn those sheisty people. Ima beat all of them. I am gonna go to Catie's tonite after my doctors appointment. I wish I had time to have a going away party, but alas, I cannot, cos there is no time. If I were to have a party it would be the funnest party ever & spiderman would be there. I am gonna go now so I can do my work cos I havent done any of it. Blah. I will just say bye to everyone like Taylor & Michelle since Ima never see yous guys again. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 30th, 2002
1:10 pm	An update on the life of Shelby Today we were at the senior awards assembly thing. It was gay, so Pat Pat, the Catie & myself had thumbwars & stimulating conversations about ninjas & spiderman. We ended up getting kicked out of the assembly, so I spent my time writing a love letter to Alex. He's so pretty. He was sitting next to Pat Pat until we got kicked out, so I got to stare at him for a while. Sigh, too bad Im not Asian. I can't wait until Saturday so we can all go to see Evil Dead II at the Byrd. It's gonna be the best nite of my life. Too bad Adrian won't be the. Haha, yesterday a certain really pretty boy tried to hook up w/ me & I said no, which was pretty dumb, but in all honesty, I really like Adrian. I think the whole mystery thing is appealing. Tonite is going to be boring, cos I keep wishing it would be Friday, but alas it is Saturday. I fucking hate school. I am so tired of sitting in class & doing work for nor real reason. I am so glad thatI have photo w/ Pat Pat & Catie next. Ha, last nite I was talking to Ashley Ford, & she said that Pillip looks like a monkey. He does!!! Catie first pointed this out to me. She also said that Chris looks like a prarie dog. He does. Chris has the skinniest legs ever. I miss Brady already. I wanted to talk to him during the assembly, but alas he was recieving his award. Damn him. My uncle is in LA tonite, so I am gonna invite him over. I wish they would play Spinal Tap at the Byrd before I move, but alas they are not. My mummy called me last nite. She's insane. She was all yelling at me cos I asked her what we were gonna go w/ the desk I have in memphis, cos I dunt want it anymore. I wonder if Pat Pat gave alex the letter yet. I hope he doesn't take it the wrong way, cos it's not like he could take it seriously when I was talking about making ninja babies. I better go now so that I can finish my class work. Bye bye peoples. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, May 17th, 2002
12:27 pm	Things definitely couldn't get any worse. This morning, my biology teacher made me go to the office cos my shirt straps were less than 2 inches wide, but it's not like I CAN wear anything on it. Every day my sunburn feels worse. It feels like my skin is being burned all the way through. I begged Mrs. Heath not to call my uncle, but she said that I needed to go home & the nurse said I needed to see a doctor immediately. They called even tho I begged them not to & so OF COURSE my uncle sounded uber sweet when he was on the phone w/ the faculty, but as soon as we got in the car he started screaming at me. When we got back to my house, he punched me in the stomach & when I was bent over he slapped the shit out of my sunburn. I passed out cos it hurt so bad, then he made me come back to school. He won't let me go anywhere after school or on the weekends for the rest of the time I'm here. That means no slip 'n' slide tonite. I hate that I had to go home during lunch, cos now there is no chance of me getting food for the next 3 days. I always feel bad that catie & lauren give me moey for lunch, cos i don't deserve it, so now im just going to have to figure out some other way to get food. I only have 30 days left here & if i have to i just won't eat till i get back. it won't kill me. when i get home tonite I have to do more yardwork & i have to do all my uncle's laundry. Looks like the rest of my time here is going to suck more than anything ever. well i'll stop complaining now. bye everyone (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 9th, 2002
7:15 pm	Everything is ghetto now Ok today sucked supremely. I got an office referral from my dumbass German teacher because she's dumb & said I bunch of bullshit & so now I have detention & a $700 fine for my ibook which I dint even break. On top of it all Lauren doesn't want to get her friend's phone number for me, so I have no one to help me w/ my drawings, not that i'll be able to do that much anymore now that im in trouble. I guess chris doesn't wanna talk to me anymore, so whatever. im just gonna wait & count the ways my week gets worse. I'll update later if i feel up to it. BYe (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 5th, 2002
1:14 pm	Spiderman & Shelby 4eva fool Okay, um I'm so gonna marry Spiderman, cos he rocks more than any boy...ever. I went to see the movie on Friday w/ the Catie, the Veronica, Mikey & Phillip. It was so rad. It sucked ass that I had to leave Catie's at like 10 in the morning to come home & wash fucking windows, but it gave me time to think of like 500 ideas for my comic book that Ima draw. Last nite I went out to eat w/ Catie & Veronica & it was yummy & then we went to Lauren's & watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre. That movie cracks me up. Unfortunately I am ill now, so I am prolly not gonna do as well on my SOL's as I would like, but that's ok, as long as I pass all of em. Ha I have a 29 average in photo. That is so astounding to me. The one class I should be able to pass in a coma, I am failing miserably. Not that it really makes any difference either way. I am going to go now so I can draw more for my comic, but I am sure I will write again soon. Buh Byes everyone *cough cough* *hack hack* (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 30th, 2002
12:30 pm	Noogies Things are really whack now. It's like nothing really makes sense. My uncle is going out of town tonite. I'm glad I'll have a few nites of peace. My lil cuz & I are gonna play an assload of video games. He can be pretty rad sometimes. Too bad he's a lil fink. I wrote the script for my Lenore movie. It's gonna be awesome. Last nite after school I went over to Lauren's & then we went "jogging" & then to Catie's. It was her lil bros belated birthday happening. Phillip & Chris went. They trip me out. I really wanted to skate cos Chris had his board, but I couldn't. I dunt care if my ankle never heals, I am gonna skate for them before I leave & I'm gonna show off like a bitch. I move the day after school gets out which is super ghetto cos I dunt get to do any summer stuff w/ my homies. I'm prolly gonna have a super junkie summer w/ Brandon & Ashley. I'm he moved back cos he's so rad. & he & I were dying to party together again. My uncle said I could have a party before I leave, but I really dunt wanna do it at my house. Maybe we can get a hotel room & do it during the day or something. Poor catie, her parents are really cracking down on her. She lost the basement, so now she's stuck in her lil sister's room. Tosh is gonna spend the summer w/ me at my mom's house. It's gonna kick so much ass. So if he does that I'll prolly cave & end up going out w/ him which we all know is a huge mistake. Jarod might move in w/ me too cos he had to move in w/ Danny cos his parents kicked him out & Danny is a fag & he doesn't wanna stay there. I am gonna go now cos I gotta e-mail a bunch of people. Buh Byes (Comment on this)
Monday, April 29th, 2002
9:13 am	CATIE I got to see the Catie today!!! We chilled in the McDonald's in the mental hospital w/ her for like an hour or summin. It was great. I missed her! I got to hang out w/ the Taylor & Veronica today. it was awesome. I am over at Veronica's house now spending the nite. Her parents are out of town, & there is some chick babysitting us that's a senior at tucker. Ack lauren's kitten is all purring up on me it's ghetto as a bitch. I am talking to Tosh online now. He never gets on anymore. Awe he's so sweet he's all talking bout helping me paint my room when I move back to memphis & whatnot. I wish we could skate every nite still. it was so rad cos he used to come get me at like 1 in the morning & we would skate & then chill somewhere & watch movies. Haha, it's funny cos some of the "skater" chicks at our school were all up on him & he totally busted them out about not really being able to skate. Good times. I think Im gonna go now. Goodnite peoples (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, April 26th, 2002
9:17 pm	Ho Hum Today was so strange w/out my Catie. It sucks ass cos I have to miss Brady's birthday paryt tonite. He's so rad. I turned in my research paper today. I feel so much better now that I have 1 less thing to wake me up in the middle of the nite. Melissa & Allison came over for a lil while. They're pretty rad. Allison is super nice. Melissa is a lot nicer that she seems like she would be. I got all pissed cos my Nintendo isn't working at all. What kind of world is this where a girl can't play her friggin nintendo??? *sigh*. I really wish I could talk to Chris tonite. He's escorting one of his friends to prom. Isn't that so sweet? He's the nicest boy ever. I'm really really glad we met. I was thinkin bout it today & it really is better to have known him even tho we can't really be together or whatever. He's an awesome friend. Pat Pat & Lauren were supposed to come over after Lauren's art gallery thingy, but she hasn't called & I'm too lazy to call her. Taylor will prolly come over after he gets off work tho. He's the shit. He has the raddest job. He works at Market Cafe. Today, all he has to do is sit on a stool, listen to the radio & wash dishes...& get paid! It's no fair. I want a job w/ such raddness. I'm glad that someone as awesome as Taylor works there cos I would be seriously pissed if someone like Grant got a cool job. Ok, I am gonna work on my comic. Bye Byes (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 25th, 2002
10:30 pm	R-A-T-T-F-I-N-K Haha Patrick said rack, haha. Pat Pat is downloading epdidodes of MARIO bitch. hoorah hoorah. That means yay to the jews. Catie did bad things to herself that made all of us sad, but not 1/2 as sad as she must feel right now. My mom sent me to drug rehab before I ever took drugs & it sucked cos I was happy & away from my friends, but poor catie is all sad & away from her friends. I hope we can see her or bring her summin or summin. I think she needs to definitely not talk to Steve Carr anymore, thanks to him she's all bummed out. I miss her tons & I can't believe it will be a long time before we can hang out again. She's my bestest friend. Oder dan Pat Pat of course cos he bes my bestestest friendy. Yay. I would really like to eat some chicken nuggets, but alas I am lacking in the chicken nugget department. Of chicken nuggets. chubby bunnies make good chicked nuggems, yes I said chicked bitch. Yo mamma. BYe (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 23rd, 2002
7:42 pm	1/2 days are surpringly disappointing Why is it that every 1/2 day seems like it will be better than it ever really it. It was so rad to see Chris & chill w/ him even if it dint last very long, but I felt bad cos I was all blah cos I dunno today just started off pretty crappy. I left my purse on the bus & got a 0 on a quiz & all that fun stuff. I got the flip flops I wanted which rocks. I wish I could have hung out w/ Chris longer. He's so sweet & wonderful to come see me so much. I really hope we can chill when my uncle goes out of town. It would be super rad to spend the whole day wif him! I talked to Tosh for a long time today. I felt aweful about the whole situation w/ him. I know it seems super 2-faced to him, but I really wasn't ready to be w/ anyone at all. If he had stayed I so would have dated him & all cos he's so fucking rad, but it dint work out like that. He said he wants to move to memphis to try to "make things work", but he better not. He's got too much going on in Cali to blow it all because of me. Besides if he ran into Aaron there would be MUCH blood-shed which I dunt want cos I still care about him a lot. I think Tosh might come back to visit for a while in a few weeks after he gets done w/ the video he's shooting now. I hope he does so all my friendsies can chill w/ him too. It sucked he was always passed the fuck out on Nick's couch whenever I was hanging w/ anyone. Stupid skater boys. I tried to call Dave Dunn today on my cell while my uncle was out, but he was driving so he couldn't talk. I miss talking to him all the time. It was super cool how he would call me from work & we would talk about fun stuff, mostly video games cos seeing as I dint go to school that year I played manny of them. I hope I can graduate this year. I only need like 2 credits which will be like sooo easy to get considering I only have to take like 2 tests. Luckily I scored relatively high on the SAT's so I can get into school somewhere if I really want to later. I am really dreading my re-entry into the work force. It is especially difficult walking 6 to 10 miles after you've just worked for 8 hours. ICK!!!! It will be worth it tho. Hopefully my grandma will die so my dad can buy me a car. Her mean mean self won't let him buy me anything. She's the devil. She hates elvis & that's no good. I really wish I was in a park w/ Catie & Lauren & taylor & Pat Pat playing frisbee. Frisbee is such a great game folks. I often take the joys of frisbee for granted. Ack I need to go start my research paper. It's due friday. Sorry about my whole rambling thing, but I guess you guys are used to it now. Bye Byes to everyone. & go to www.realultimatepower.net (Comment on this)
Monday, April 22nd, 2002
8:37 pm	School is so ghetto on mondays Ack, I had to go to the dentist this morning, so I was really sad when my ear itched but the skin was numb so I couldn't scratch. I just found out that tomorrow is a 1/2 day, so I'm hoping to get some comics or summin w/ my friendsies. I love all of you!!!! My uncle is being better to me. He goes thru phases where he's decent & phases where I think he's gonna kill me. I'm glad we're in the good phase. I have to make a movie for photojournalism which kicks so much ass cos I get to be Lenore!!!! ALL OF YOU GOTTA HELP ME!!!! I want all my wonderful amazing friends to star in my 1st ever motion picture. I get to wear my Catie Shelby prom dress again. Speaking of the Catie Shelby prom, it was so rad!!! All cos Chris came & Catie smoked herb. I always love chillin w/ the Catie, thank god too, cos so much went wrong that nite. Our hotel plans got screwed up, I was unbelievably tired. We got no booze, Michelle decided to be a fink & not even go. Can you believe she ditched her friends fo her boyfriend??? That's so lame. I met Greg tho & he was cool & Ernie ended up coming which rocked cos I love my Ernie. I am gonna call him this weekend & chill. Ok back to today... it was senior skip day, so I was bored off my ass during English seeing as I was the ONLY one there. I drew many Lenore pictures today, which was super rad. I played a lot of Super Mario Land as well. I am kinda sad I have to miss my photo class w/ Pat Pat. Hopefully we can all hang out afterwards. Ok, back to yesterday....Chris & I totally passed out when we got to Catie's, but her dad made us go cos of Catie's grades, then we went to his house where I played Zombies Ate My Neighbors & passed out again. I really dint wanna leave, but I had to. I love spending time w/ him, he's so chill, but fun at the same time. It rocks. I wish we could spend more time together before I go, but I doubt we'll get to too much. I am gonna go now people. I love you all & goodnite. (Comment on this)
Friday, April 19th, 2002
7:29 am	Chris ok when yous guys read this, you'll get why I'm all confused Love Suicides: hey evldeadgrl: hi Love Suicides: how ya doin? evldeadgrl: ok i guess, you? Love Suicides: aw hope so, im good evldeadgrl: that's good, im glad evldeadgrl: did you have a good day? Love Suicides: =o) Love Suicides: yea guess so, jus been home, ate pop tarts Love Suicides: you? evldeadgrl: not really Love Suicides: aw, what happened? evldeadgrl: nothin Love Suicides: you sure? evldeadgrl: yea Love Suicides: ok =o/ Love Suicides: *hugs* evldeadgrl: thanks Love Suicides: welcome Love Suicides: not upset at me are you? evldeadgrl: no Love Suicides: k evldeadgrl: like the whole situation has me upset n all, but im not upset w/ you cos i really just want you to be happy Love Suicides: whys it got you upset? i know and youre so sweet for that evldeadgrl: cos like everything you are saying is what aaron was all sayin & then he was all like, NOPE dunt wanna be w/ shelby Love Suicides: you mean he wanted to be with you then jus said no? evldeadgrl: yea pretty much, he was like i love you I love you, i promise ima try to work it out, then the next day he was like, hey it's over, bye Love Suicides: aww, thats totally fucked up evldeadgrl: yea evldeadgrl: it was the worst thing ever Love Suicides: aww *hugs* i can only imagine Love Suicides: i wouldnt be that mean though, im too afraid of hurting someone to totally drop them evldeadgrl: it's ok, but anyways, be w/ audrey, k? Love Suicides: especially if i have no reason to, and i have no reason to with you Love Suicides: why? evldeadgrl: because Love Suicides: but i cant make myself wana be with her evldeadgrl: ??? evldeadgrl: but you are kinda w/ her in a way Love Suicides: no im not, if so then the same thing could be said bout us evldeadgrl: yea, but no Love Suicides: do you think id end up hurting you? =o/ evldeadgrl: i dunt want you to have to worry about which 1 of us or whatever, so im just tryin to make it easier evldeadgrl: so be w/ her, k? evldeadgrl: it made me all sad thinkin bout how you were all stressed cos of all of this, & i dunt wanna give you any more to worry about than you already have Love Suicides: im not worried, i know i like you a lot more Love Suicides: aww you arent Love Suicides: her freind read what i said in your journal and i had to talk to her bout all that Love Suicides: its mostly had to do with her, you havent confused me or anything evldeadgrl: sorry i got kicked off Love Suicides: its k evldeadgrl: anyways, you have 500 million things to deal w/ & i dunt wanna be another thing on that list for you, & it's not like you don't like her, so you should be w/ her Love Suicides: youre not silly, i liked you before i met her evldeadgrl: yea, but you knew me before & still decided to be w/ her Love Suicides: maybe i do some cause yea shes cool, but youre more fun to be around Love Suicides: i didnt decide to be with her evldeadgrl: you dint decide to not be w/ her either Love Suicides: what like hang out n stuff? evldeadgrl: well yea, she asked you out & you dint say no evldeadgrl: so in a nutshell you said yes Love Suicides: no she asked about dating or whatever evldeadgrl: yea Love Suicides: i thought itd be ok jus to date, since thats what we were doing right? evldeadgrl: i guess Love Suicides: i shouldve talked to you first though =o( evldeadgrl: i mean it's not like your doing anything wrong or anything, but it totally hurts my feelings & all Love Suicides: aww, i dont wana hurt your feelings, i care about them and you too much evldeadgrl: no you don't have to check w/ me before you do stuff, especially if it makes you happy Love Suicides: you make me happy Love Suicides: i laugh and smile non stop when im around you evldeadgrl: awe, me too when im w/ you & it's great & we can still hang out n all i guess Love Suicides: yea of course, but like we always do Love Suicides: im not choosing her evldeadgrl: no evldeadgrl: i dont want you to have to choose Love Suicides: you were first, i still like you the most Love Suicides: im not choosing evldeadgrl: yea, & i can't be like the "other" chick again evldeadgrl: so yea Love Suicides: youre not evldeadgrl: pretty much Love Suicides: nooo Love Suicides: thats how she felt Love Suicides: if you were here first youre not the other chick, youre the first evldeadgrl: awe, but there's 2 of us Love Suicides: but i only feel the way i do about you evldeadgrl: grrr, it's just not right, ya know Love Suicides: what isnt? evldeadgrl: this Love Suicides: me feeling the way i do about you? evldeadgrl: no, not that just the situation Love Suicides: how so? evldeadgrl: cos it's like i like you & i guess you like me & you like her & so you are w/ her on some level & yea Love Suicides: of course i like you babe, i like you so much Love Suicides: no, im not with her, i like her but not in the same way evldeadgrl: grrr, you confuse me Love Suicides: aw, i dont mean to =o( Love Suicides: id rather have you than anything right now, but if not then i choose no one evldeadgrl: why??? Love Suicides: cause i dont feel the same way bout her evldeadgrl: i feel like im forcing you to choose, but no, i dont wanna be the other chick, so im walkin away Love Suicides: youre not forcing me to do anything, i could say no myself to you but i dont wana, and youre not the other chick Love Suicides: *sigh* Love Suicides: please dont walk away =o( id be sad evldeadgrl: im sorry i feel like that, but it's just how it seems to me evldeadgrl: no dont be sad, please evldeadgrl: its not like you're alone & you do like audrey Love Suicides: no dont be sorry, i understand, im jus sayin youre not Love Suicides: but im sayin i wana be with you, and you still wana walk away? Love Suicides: grr i dont like her like that evldeadgrl: but i mean i just got out of that whole thing w/ aaron & it hurt like more than anything & i like you more than i liked him & i dunt thin ki can handle that at all & now i feel worse cos i was only trying to make it easier for you but now i dint Love Suicides: make what easier for me? i still like you a whole freakin lot evldeadgrl: i know, but you have like so much to deal w/ & i dint wanna be like yes i love you blah blah & ask you to choose & im not gonna do that & im sorry evldeadgrl: i should just go evldeadgrl: im sorry Love Suicides: i dont have anything to deal with, i told you i love ya first, so its not like youd put pressure on me Love Suicides: no please dont =o/ evldeadgrl: but this is too much Love Suicides: *sigh* well i dont wana upset you, im not tryin to i swear evldeadgrl: i know Love Suicides: i jus keep tellin you how i feel but it doesnt seem to matter evldeadgrl: it does matter Love Suicides: then believe me Love Suicides: stop tellin me to go for audrey Love Suicides: im not going to evldeadgrl: i do believe you, but it doesn't change how i feel Love Suicides: feel about what? evldeadgrl: this evldeadgrl: all of it Love Suicides: but if im tellin you i like you n all and id like to be with you, then why dont you want that? Love Suicides: im not aaron, i dont wana mess anything up with you evldeadgrl: i know, grr now i feel like your mad at me Love Suicides: no way evldeadgrl: k Love Suicides: *kiss* Love Suicides: id feel bad for bein mad at you evldeadgrl: why? Love Suicides: cause youre all sweet n cute n great evldeadgrl: awe, stop bein nice, i gotta figure this crap out damn you Love Suicides: no ill never stop bein nice evldeadgrl: grrrr Love Suicides: well when youre figurin it out jus remember what i said and that i mean it evldeadgrl: I dunno what to do evldeadgrl: I shouldn't even let this bother me, cos I'm not your girlfriend or anything really evldeadgrl: we're pretty much just friends evldeadgrl: so whatever, just do whatever makes you happy, if it makes me all sad or whatever I'll just keep it to myself Love Suicides: aw, i wish it didnt bother you, thats true but i care about you a lot more than jus a friend way Love Suicides: no i want you to share, but hopefully i wont make you sad Love Suicides: not unless me being around you makes you sad evldeadgrl: well thinkin about it makes me sad, so i mean yea being around you will make me sad & all, but i would miss you Love Suicides: aw why would i make you sad? im sayin id be with you n not her Love Suicides: i miss you now, id miss you so much worse Love Suicides: but it makes me happy youre staying, id miss you terribly if you still had to move to memphis evldeadgrl: yea evldeadgrl: i would have missed you a ton Love Suicides: you too Love Suicides: and since youre staying that makes me really happy Love Suicides: specially cause you dont have to be around your uncle anymore evldeadgrl: it dint seem like you really even cared last nite Love Suicides: aww, i did though Love Suicides: she actually read it first on your journal n told me, i didnt know you were gona stay with catie for real evldeadgrl: yea Love Suicides: im surprised how they let you so quick, but thats really really good evldeadgrl: yea, im glad bout it Love Suicides: me too, now you can see everyone, all your freinds n such =o) evldeadgrl: yea, i am gonna see pat pat like 10 times as much!!!!! Love Suicides: haha awesome evldeadgrl: yea evldeadgrl: he's the raddest Love Suicides: yep hes cool, very funny guy evldeadgrl: ok, grrr, i decided Love Suicides: hm? evldeadgrl: i can't be w/ you Love Suicides: aw why? evldeadgrl: cos evldeadgrl: you want to date her too Love Suicides: no i dont Love Suicides: i dont wana date her evldeadgrl: you ARE DATING HER Love Suicides: im not evldeadgrl: that means you wanna date her doesn't it??? Love Suicides: im not dating her! evldeadgrl: you told her & me you were just dating both of us Love Suicides: i told her i was gona stay neutral evldeadgrl: w/ her or both of us? Love Suicides: her Love Suicides: cause shes been all stressed and im not bout to lead her on evldeadgrl: that's good, but i suppose evldeadgrl: im confused evldeadgrl: so you weren't dating her you were just "hanging out" w/ her which is what we were basically doing anyways Love Suicides: pretty much, cause i didnt wana make it like it was one person over the other evldeadgrl: but isn't it??? Love Suicides: no, its more of you evldeadgrl: yea, so why dint you just tell her that? Love Suicides: cause im dumb and was afraid id hurt her evldeadgrl: grr but you hurt me Love Suicides: then when i wrote it in your journal her friend read it and told her about it, n she got all upset Love Suicides: aw how? i didnt wana hurt you Love Suicides: i wasnt sure what our status was evldeadgrl: i know, im totally unjustified in feeling hurt, but i guess i just thought you cared about me as much as i care about you evldeadgrl: it's not your fault you don't or anything Love Suicides: yes yes, i do i do Love Suicides: ever since the other night i know i do Love Suicides: i really do, i swear evldeadgrl: then why are we not together Love Suicides: i didnt know you wanted that Love Suicides: that wouldnt be bad at all evldeadgrl: why would i not want to be together??? Love Suicides: i duno, i never brought it up i guess so i wasnt sure Love Suicides: didnt wana rush it you know? Love Suicides: ive done that before and it doesnt go well evldeadgrl: yea, well we rushed everything else, so what would it hurt Love Suicides: thats true, nothing really Love Suicides: for some reason it didnt feel like rushing when we did all that stuff evldeadgrl: i know Love Suicides: it felt right with you evldeadgrl: that's why im getting all freaked out & going psycho chick on you Love Suicides: aw Love Suicides: i always thought about being with you, thats why i was hoping you wouldnt leave evldeadgrl: really?? Love Suicides: yes Love Suicides: especially after the other day evldeadgrl: awe, grrr i love you so much Love Suicides: aww =o) i love you too Love Suicides: im sposed to go out to eat with my parents for my dads bday, but i hate to go evldeadgrl: awe, i dunt want you to go cos i miss you & we never talk Love Suicides: aww, i know Love Suicides: i miss you too Love Suicides: id jus hate to not go since its his bday n all =o/ Love Suicides: cause we never go out or hang out really, either of my parents that is evldeadgrl: yea, i understand. i hope you have a nice time & all Love Suicides: ok, ill be thinkin bout you Love Suicides: you can write me if you want evldeadgrl: no Love Suicides: and ill write you back Love Suicides: hm? evldeadgrl: i dunno, im just be a gayfer Love Suicides: hehe ok silly evldeadgrl: bye Love Suicides: then ill talk to you later Love Suicides: bye bye =o) Love Suicides: *mwah* evldeadgrl: hehe Love Suicides: hehe, ill miss ya sweetie<3 evldeadgrl: i'll miss you too Love Suicides: =o* til we talk again, cause ill be lookin forward to it evldeadgrl: awe, you're so sweet Love Suicides: its true, youre sweet too though Love Suicides: byeee<3 evldeadgrl: hehe, nuh uh, cos ima kick your ass evldeadgrl: bye byes Love Suicides: hehe ouch Love Suicides: bye bye ;o) Ok, it's long & i'm being all psycho control freak shelby, but it cannot be helped people!!! 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3:17 am	LENORE i drew Lenore today in my photo clases. She's drunk. It's awesome, cos it's looks all real. I wish I was drunk, for then I would not be sad, & I definitely wouldn't be thinking about Chris. I wish I dint love him. I feel so bad for wasting his time like I have. I am really glad that he gets to be w/someone. I hope things work out for him. he deserves it. Well I am gonna go play some games. Bye bye Current Mood: guilty (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 18th, 2002
8:55 pm	hyper ballad This morning I got up & got online to check my e-mail & all. I read everyone's journal & Chris had written like he said he would & I decided that he's got too much going on to have me to deal w/ too & this whole situation is beginning too become what happened w/ Aaron & I can't handle all the drama again. This all sucks so much cos I really love him, but I would rather back off now & make things a lot easier for him. My mummy said I can move in w/ Catie so that rocks. I am just hoping Gregg doesn't pu up a fight, cos i am so tired of his bs. It's a joke. He's such a terrible person. Today Catie is going to go get her fake id, so that will be super rad. I wonder if Chris is still coming to the prom???? I dunno, it will make me sad to not hang out w/ him anymore, but I know that if we do hang out even as much as we do now, it's gonna be harder for me. ACK!!! Why did I get myself into this??? I hope Pat Pat comes to the Catie Shelby prom. It would be good for him cos he could see Lauren the next morning at Waffle House. Taylor is going to the ghetto ass school prom, but he said he would stop by Catie Shelby prom so we could all meet his girlfriend. I might be meeting Michelle's boy too which would be awesome & hopefully Catie will have a boy at prom. Pat Pat & I will chill cos we'll be the only ones going stag. Hehe. It's gonna be awesome living w/ Catie. I doubt anyone will ever see either of us sober again. Ha, but it will work cos we'll be happy cos we won't be alone. I dunno what Ima do about all my stuff tho, cos I have soooo much crap & if I dunt stash it somewhere he'll throw it away or keep it cos he's a jerk like that. My mom says I have to go visit her for 3 or 4 weeks during the summer. I am kinda not looking forward to that. It's so boring there w/ no tv or phone & I won't have a cell anymore. Catie & I are gonna get jobs this summer. It'll be awesome cos yea, we'll be bling blingin. Don't hate Don't hate. There's nowhere really to work around here which sucks, but that is ok I guess. I need to start saving up for a car & whatnot. So I can actually drive once I turn 18. I wonder when I'm gonna move over there???? Hopefully next weekend or sometime next week even, but it all depends on the adults, so I dunno. I need to start trying harder in school. I have to make straight A's this 9 weeks dammit or I'll never get into a school. I can't believe I made a D. That's the worst shit ever. My uncle is gonna ground me cos of it which is such bullshit. I'm like, you beat the hell out of me AND you're grounding me. WTF???? Grrr. I think we should get jobs at a cd store. It would be awesome cos we would get to listen to music like all day. I am gonna quit rambling now. Buh bye people Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Elvis Presley- VIVA LAS VEGAS (Comment on this)
10:35 am	FUCK EVERYTHING Fuck it, my stupid fucking uncle talked my mom out of letting me live w/ Catie. I don't know what to do, like I have never been so sad before, ever. I can hardly breathe it hurts so much. I can't leave everyone. I can't. What the fuck am I going back to??? My mom has absolutely no way of taking care of me. I have to put up w/ 8 more weeks of Gregg. Already his punishment for trying to leave has begun. I can't handle this at all. Im not gonna do anything in school. I don't care if I fail. I can always talk my mom into letting me do gateway again. Fuck school I don't fucking care anymore, it's not like I can go anywhere but Memphis State so who the fuck cares. Im just gonna fucking drink until my fucking liver falls out. I am not gonna be able to do anything the rest of the time I'm here so I don't give a fuck. Ack fuck everything (Comment on this)